I didn’t wake up one morning and plan for a many month journey into doubt and introspection. I didn’t go into this intending to stay here for what seemed like endless months of questions and withdrawal. But I did go into it willingly. Willing to take however long it was going to take, willing to do the work that needed to be done, to dig in deeply and walk this journey, alone, because it was the only way to walk it. Willing to refuse the well meaning attempts at rescue from people who were uncomfortable with my comfortableness with doubt.
I was OK with admitting there were days I didn’t believe in God or even days where I did believe but I wasn’t sure I wanted anything to do with Him. (Have you ever REALLY read the old testament?) And even on those days I was OK with saying “But the fact that He loves me, beyond measure, is never in doubt, even on those days I don’t believe in Him.”
I picked up books from authors who had experienced similar things and I read.
But could it be possible that I have a part to play? That I have my own darkness to contend with? That if I am ever going to be open to the power of this divinity that supposedly dwells within me, I’m going to have to be open to playing with fire in the underbelly of darkness? Could it be that I have my own battle to fight, and that Jesus’s sacrifice was to give me access to the power I would need to fight it? Maybe He isn’t hurt by my admittance of the world not being all pretty, even if it is His world. Maybe He isn’t ashamed or fearful of my journey into the dark. Maybe He has been waiting for me to take it all along, wondering if I’d ever sneak away from the light, trusting it was necessary for my soul’s survival. Maybe He knows of darkness more than any of us. He is one step ahead of us, dotting the black with stars, illuminating our moons so that even in the deep black, we may have access to light.
MandySteward. Thrashing About with God: Finding Faith on the Other Side of Everything
I was OK with all of that. Somewhere along the line, however, I began to loose sight of some stuff. I think I got so comfortable with the doubt and the questions that I forgot there was a reason for them.
So I’m regrouping.
You might be in a similar position, and I want you to know something, EVEN in this place, God will go before you, as He has most definitely gone before me!
Two weeks ago, God reminded me of how wonderful I am and that I needed to stop believing the enemy when he tells me I’m not. He also spoke of my calling and some parts of it, that while not forgotten, certainly had not been thought about in a long time.
Then, a few days ago I came across a course on Jeanne Oliver’s Ning site, called “Becoming, the unfolding of You.”
The following day, this quote came up on my facebook feed.
Then, two days after that, our own Middle Sister, Rachel, wrote her amazing post about how God sees us.
He has gone before me, even into this and He WILL go before you! So yeah, regroup if you need to, and by all means check that course out. It ran back in January but all the content is still up (another example of God’s perfect timing, I wasn’t ready for this back in January).
Am I returning to the journey of the last 2 years? Am I returning to my true self? Or were the 2 never different things in the first place? Does it even matter?
Latest posts by Zoe Gregg (see all)
- How to Encourage Someone With Chronic Illness - October 7, 2016
- When I Found Myself in the Midst of an Incredible Adventure - September 5, 2016
- It is OK if Things Don’t Work Out Perfectly the First Time - August 18, 2016