Three years ago, I went “gung ho” toward being a home school mom. I felt grounded in my reasons for choosing the path. I was confident in my plan. I could list tons of reasons why it was the best way to educate my kids. We were going to have so much fun doing this new thing!
And for two and a half years we did. And then we didn’t.
I love homeschool. I love the creativity to learn that it affords. I love that I can tailor the lesson plans to the way each individual kid learns. I love that we create our own schedule. I had visions of doing amazing projects together and spending tons of quality time with my kids.
But as our family needs changed, I began my own small cottage business, I began to find it harder and harder to keep up with everything. I had trouble sticking to lesson plans as the demands of my business grew. I resisted the change and tried to own all of the things. I didn’t want to let go of my dream of homeschooling.
As a result, everything suffered and I could no longer ignore the shift that was happening. At the end of this past school year, I was forced to make some decisions not only for myself, but for my kids too. My husband and I made the decision to send the oldest child back to school. Circumstance keeps us from sending the other school age child, but we are working toward him going back soon too. The decision alleviated a lot of daily stress.
I had to face the fact that I was spread too thin. While I still think that in a perfect world, homeschool is a wonderful option, we were not living in a perfect world. As my husband’s schedule also began to change I was relieved to have made the decision. It made all the difference as school started back this week.
Knowing that I had to regroup for sanity’s sake has been hard. Even though it was the right thing to do, there is that little part of me, that ambitious, overly independent part of me, that is still whispering to my heart that I failed.
“The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out.
But I, God, search the heart
and examine the mind.
I get to the heart of the human.
I get to the root of things.
I treat them as they really are,
not as they pretend to be.”
As this shift begins toward a new season in my life, I’m learning to trust God’s reality over my own heart. It can feel like an earthquake, but really it’s just a tweak in direction sometimes. When I get too wrapped up in my own desires (or pride maybe) I can easily miss the good things that are shaking down with this shift. In this case, the change does not mean I am settling for second best, it means that God is getting to the root of things that I am allowing to cloud my mind.
What shift is happening in your life, that may be a rooting out? Do you have trouble letting go at times too? How do you let go and let the shift happen?