How do you admit you struggle with faith?
My life is rooted and grounded in it and yet this summer my reliance was challenged.
It continues to be.
Before, I had been through trials, I had been challenged, my heart broken…
but June 4th
God stepped in-
He took away the ”they say”
He took away the third person narrative.
He took every bible study, every verse, every pat ”God is able” answer I had boldly handed out and turned it on me.
Who do you say I am.
A call from my healthy, marathon running, water drinking, non smoking, nary a symptom, ex husband saying things like:
trip to the emergency room
shadow on the liver
It was 8:23 a.m.
Because nothing has been the same since.
My neatly packaged.
what x-rays hinted…
medical jargon taunted all that I believed about a good God…
metastasized to liver
What about those verses…
the one about a plan and a future full of hope…
the one about good to those that love God…
the one about acknowledging God and Him directing the path…
and what about the one that said He would never leave me or forsake me?
and if so…why did I feel absolutely alone?
Why did my heart ache and war with my mind?
How could I believe and doubt in the same thought?
And how was I going to help my children find God in all of this…when I was grasping for Him myself?
Unless I am willing to reject every blessing given me then I have to accept the bitter cup offered too.
I have to trust, when it seems there is nothing to believe.
I can look to Jesus himself and know it’s ok to question the plan.
Jesus, when faced with death, went to the garden to pray.
and asked if there were any other way possible and if the cup could pass from Him.
The One who healed blind eyes…
who turned water into wine…
who fed five thousand with two pieces of bread and five fish…
the One who raised a man…
asked for things to be different.
The beauty of the rest of the story, the cross, is that
faith never died…
justice met grace…
and every question I have…
every doubt I dance with…
when my faith falters
and I wonder why…
I remember the garden.
I realize I, too, am asking for it to pass.
And I rest in sharing the cup with One who is faithful, even when I am faithless.
If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is…
2 Timothy 2:13